I miss my Mom, and there is very little I can do about it. To be honest, I try not to think about the gaping hole she left in our lives when she passed away. My brain can't compute the incredible permanency of death, I just can't believe that there is nothing that I can do about it. In part, I think this is what our culture tells us - you don't like something, change it. If you want something you don't have, there are about a million things you can do to get it. We can change our bodies, our wallets, our homes, our cars, nearly every worldly possession. We are told, if you don't like it, change it. I also tend to be
As I've gotten older, and thought more about who my mother was, I've started seeing her in a different light. We're all a million things, complex creatures with layers that we choose to show or hide or pretend aren't there. She was incredible, and I wish we could have had more time to understand each other as adults. Reflecting on my time with her, new things start to emerge. The uncomfortable thing is that most of my questions will go unanswered, and there will always be a mystery about her story.
Like I said, I don't like to think about it much. Because when I do I'm filled with such a soul-crushing sadness that I don't know what to do. I feel utterly helpless, and I hate that feeling.
I love the way you always signed your cards and letters "All My Love" - because I really felt like you meant it. I am so grateful for the sacrifices you made and the energy you put into being a good mother. I look back and see a woman who loved her children with a ferocity and intention. You raised us girls to recognize and honor acts of love, and instilled a deep gratitude and resiliency that is in me today. I am truly heartbroken at your absence, and the distance between us feels great. I like to think that your creativity lives in me, and every time I pick up my camera, or tell a story, or sing a song, or create delicious meals, that you are peeking out and giving me a little wave of encouragement. I will always remember you in these moments. And especially on days like today. I love you so much.